Sorry seems to be the hardest Word

Sorry.

It is a word that I personally think is much overused in this day and age – except of course where I am concerned. I don’t say it much and I don’t hear it much so I guess there is a sort of symmetry in that!.

One thing that really makes me wonder is people who apologise for everything. I remember talking to someone about something unpleasant that had befallen me and they said sorry. I paused for a moment and then asked them if they actually thought it was their doing … did they do it to me … or cause it to be done to me? When they said no I queried their use of it by saying: “Well then what are you sorry about? If it wasn’t you, what are you apologizing for?”

It was then that I discovered that for many people it seems, “Sorry” is not much more than a band-aid that you stick in unfortunate conversation. Like wincing when you see someone else cut their finger … it is sort of a cure all noise one makes to say: “Oh dear, that must be awful” without having to go to all the bother of saying so many words.

I don’t agree with that. I think too many people are too lazy with their language as it is. I know that I consider myself very sloppy when it comes to talking and writing. I am forever thinking: “Hmm … that is what I meant and that is what I said – why are they different? They shouldn’t be!” This revelation gives some people the fear, as they tend to think I am pretty anal on that score.

Anyhow “Sorry” falls into that category for me. Some people say that I have probably never said sorry for anything in my life but it is not true. I have in fact been sorry for an incredible amount of things and have even apologized for those of it I could. It is simply that I don’t apologise if I am not sorry for something I have done or said – likewise I do not apologise for something I have not done.

Many of the things people think I should apologise for are of either of those categories. Either something I have not done – in which case I can’t really apologise for it; OR something I have gone out of my WAY to do INTENTIONALLY – in which case I won’t apologise for it because I am not sorry I did it. There is a word for people who do that sort of thing and it is “Hypocrite”. While I am sometimes a hypocrite I do tend to try not to be and flatter myself that I succeed – after all were I a hypocrite I reckon I would be more popular!!!

A while back I ran into someone I dealt with in the past quite savagely. (This is not entirely out of the ordinary; I have dealt with many people quite savagely in the past for various reasons.) We approached each other warily I will admit but for my part thought: "What the hell, it was years ago and the fire from that situation has long gone out to my mind".

So with the awkward preliminary "Ah .. hi ... how are you?"s out of the way we got to a tentative chat on where we both were at and what we awere doing these days. A certain amount of guarded ease that was settling was shattered when it was enquired of me "If I had anything to say about what happened?" Ahhh here it comes I thought ...

I wondered what to say - should I say what this person WANTS to hear? Would it sound as completely false to them as it would to me? Should I compromise or should I simply tell the truth.

I opted for the latter.
I attempted to keep my face and tone as friendly and matter of fact as I could.

I said: "If you are hoping to hear that I am sorry then I am afraid you will be disappointed. While I have no anger towards you now whatsoever I must tell you that all those years ago I hated you with every fiber of my being and so did you quite a bit of damage. I was headed a certain way for certain reasons - not simply for myself but for others too. The path I walked required certain things be done and you stood squarely in my way. I did all I could to try to maneuver you out of the way but you bloody mindedly persisted in your attempts to bar my way.

So I hurt you and walked on by. You followed me despite my warnings not to do so and repetitively struck at things I held dear in retaliation. I can honestly now say that I did exactly what my path at the time and my own personal predilections demanded. That this resulted in so much damage and bad blood for you is unfortunate. I cannot and will not say that I am sorry though because were I in that same situation I would do the same things again for precisely the same reasons. I did what I did for reasons I would be a hypocrite to deny and if you would like to understand I can explain it to you - but I don't think it will make you feel any better. I will now walk away and you can decide in my absence whether or not we will talk again the next time we cross paths. If nothing else it has gladdened me to see you well and getting on with things."

And so I walked away, feeling positively ill for having to revisit such an unpleasant time in my life but also feeling somewhat lighter in spirit for having finally said out loud to at least one person what I had to say. It was not yes or no but rather yes and no - a third option if you will.

I have not since encountered them and so cannot tell you what they decided. What I can tell you is that taking the third option, (i.e. doing what you should and being true to yourself irrelevant of anything else) is often more required than the usual two and this has been a story of a situation that shows just that.

And if you didn’t like this story – I am NOT SORRY!